August 28, 2006
This is where I've invited myself to.I start contract teaching on 11 Sept - a somewhat DUHH kinda date, if you know what I mean. And it's nothing to do with WTC.
And I just came across
this blog post about how much the blog owner (I presume, is a teacher) hates teaching.
Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't join teaching, without knowing the horror stories that happen to these heavily exploited teachers. Exploited not even for the benefit of educating our children! I mean, it's one thing to say you are slogging for the education of these kids and another thing to say you are slogging to sustain bureacracy. Ya?
But, having just spoken to my girlfriend about how the tables may take a turn (i.e we'll find that I'm the one who has endless marking, endless lesson planning, endless admin duties, AND not forgetting my own tuition kids) soon enough, I think it certainly calls for an even better time management on my part.
Teacher's Day is coming. The best thing this year is, it's coming right before the one week holiday. Have a well-deserved rest, y'all~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:39
August 15, 2006
Ugliness has no cure; same for stupidity that was my nic on msn today.
Wenn hit home with this:
the cure to ugliness is to see with your heart....same for stupidity...if you can feel with you mind.
Jesus... why give me friends who are smarter than me?!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:34
August 14, 2006
It's that night.That night that I was so very sure there was only one place I wanted to go to. That solitude awaits me, that in the silence that will be shared between us, everything I wished did not happen will be forgotten at least for one night. That night is on auto pilot, rising among the shifting images of my mind whenever I'm feeling like how I feel now.
It's the assuring manner you go about meddling with your stuff, the assurance that nothing changed. Life is still in its usual progression. That assuring manner that you chose to keep quiet unless you feel like wanting to say, or ask something. That's how you didn't even have to say you'd stay around and I knew you would.
Where is life taking us? Where are we drifting to in time?
From just a cab ride, to the constraints of work, to having to fly if I needed that assurance, how far is far between friends?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:14
Is it becausea fight makes the prize more worthy? Maybe, I just lost the zest to ride challenges, to time. To many episodes of my past which taught me again, and again, that the best way to deal with a challenge is to let it pass. Because in death, we take nothing. Not even memories of winning a fight.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:32
August 08, 2006
Aftermath.There is this need to feel this intensity of emotions, of feelings before they all get to settle into a sense of calm and peace. This heartache, this regret, this pain, before everything comes together, heavy with tears, and settle down yet again, back into the deep crevices where they shall be held back until the next storm brews.
This desire to breakfree, to detangle from everything. So strong should this desire be that it will bring that intensity of feelings down. To be detached from all these little emotional demons. Then, the chaos will be taken over by calm. The kind of calm that you get when you look out into the sea, with the wind in your face, the sky so blue like you always will want to remember it as, and the people take their strides behind you, and you feel empowered again, in control again. And hold on to that calm, that feeling of being in control, for as long as possible.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:16
Shit, it happened again.There is this word, other than 'unconstructive', that is really unconstructive. The word is 'retrospect'. In the way it would normally be used, it is 'in retrospect'.
Don't you think it's a word of much shame? Like, only seeing the light in a situation in retrospect, or... to have chosen another course of action in retrospect, or... to have chosen an alternative response to a predicament in retrospect. You get my drift. It's just, what a shame that all the retrospectives happen only in the retrospect.
And what use is it to know something in retrospect? What use is it to realise something in retrospect? Lessons. That's what we all talk about. Right? To take lessons in retrospect and to, hopefully, learn from it.
When I was doing literature in secondary school, there was something about how it's better to see a house being destroyed so that we can focus on rebuilding, than to see the devastating storm coming and knowing you could do nothing but wait for it to be over.
But rebuilding takes time. Sure, it beats just feeling your way in a tunnel, not knowing when the storm will be over. But, rebuilding has its own weariness too. And we all know that something that is rebuilt can never really quite be the same as the previous. So, it had better be even better than the original. Better so that it's really worth the effort of rebuilding it. Better so that if the next storm comes, you know you have a better chance of surviving it, man, soul and house intact.
So, retrospective is important. But you have to just get over the phase in which you just feel completely f-up and think what's the fucking use of a word as unconstructive as 'retrospect'.
Did I just lose you there?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:55
That Pandora's box in you.Have you ever fought with your own inner voices before? Then, I presume you would agree that it complete-fuckingly screw your mind up big time. And it just goes to show how schizophrenia truly resides in each and every one of us, isn't it? I guess, that's kind of fair. That we all have a fair chance to be admitted to the IMH, the same potential.
The difference is, everyone has their own way of getting out of this pathetic predicament.
But, just to share with you, anyway, I think the feeling after getting out of this pathetic state of affairs is a feeling of having just fought a cruel battle. With yourself. It's like, me vs I vs myself vs moi vs wo3 vs saya, and so on and so forth.
You just gotta fucking believe that at the end of it all, end of this cruel battle, someone will emerge as the victor. And you know what's the best and worst thing about that belief? It's that that 'someone' will undoubtedly be one of the 'me vs I vs myself vs moi vs wo3 vs saya, and so on and so forth' and precisely because of that, it seems to suggest that you have some kind of control over who you want to give the trophy to. Yet, at the same time, while you are still trying to battle it out anyway, you just are as torn as to who should emerge as a winner. Not like it makes a lot of difference, you see. But it does. Cos if it doesn't make a lot of difference, then, in the first place, there's just no reason why all these different facades of the same person would even bother to come out and fight.
It's like, opening the pandora box that has your fucking name deeply engraved onto it. And once opened, every side of you comes out and play. And it's nerves-wrecking. It's creating havoc. And it just, screws you up big time.
But, you know what? The only good thing that comes out from this silly but absolutely real battle is that you just know that you somehow, won. Even if you feel weary and quite apprehensive of this potential to be this schizophrenic. How glorious it is to defeat none other than yourself! It's quite a lesson in humility, don't you think?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:38
There is the light.The ministry sent news. I'm to sign my appointment letter as an untrained teacher after Nat Day. And if everything goes as planned (either by my prospective boss or by the higher order out there), I start my immersion on the same day I blow out 26 fucking candles.
So... I don't know which school I'd be going to prove my worth. More details shall be revealed at the appointment day. And, what else... I don't know the prospect of my depleting bank balance yet, too. I guess it shouldn't cost too much to buy my soul.
Ha-ha.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:30